Bill Gates Plans to Expand Business to Gliese 581c

Posted by Cynical Sarah on April 1, 2007

The discovery of Gliese 581c has got the scientific world all excited with the possibility of another habitable planet out there and the increased odds that ours is not the only planet with life on it. No one, however, is more excited than Bill Gates, who is eyeing the planet as a possible way to expand his computer empire.

“I have gone pretty much as far as I can go on Earth,” Gates said. “My products are all over the world and it’s only a very short matter of time before my company will hit a plateau and have nowhere else to expand.”

A plateau is unacceptable for the mega-rich and mega-successful computer industry mogul. Insiders say he already has a panic attack at the thought of slowing down and possibly being overtaken on the America’s richest list. Now he has a whole new possibility of where he can eventually take Microsoft in the future, and Gates is getting ready to conquer the universe.

“Of course, there’s no guarantee life exists on this new-found planet, but it still opens up the possibility and a brand new possibility of expansion,” Gates said. “We must begin planning for the inevitable day when we visit these new planets and possibly make contact with new people. We will be ready.”

Gates has his people working on translating software that will quickly convert all Microsoft products to any alien language when the time comes. He wants to be able to start incorporating Word and Office and everything into these new beings’ societies once they’re discovered.

Microsoft has also begun dedicating time and researchers to studying space travel to help find ways to make it faster and more convenient. They’re also looking into how Microsoft products can be integrated more into space travel itself with onboard personal computers and whatnot.

“This is our future,” Gates said. “Not just the future of my company either, but the future of the whole world.”

He pointed out that some of the greatest minds on the planet are already looking toward the future and space travel to inhabit other planets.

“Just yesterday Stephen Hawking did a zero gravity flight and tested how well he can handle the G forces,” Gates said. “He’s a brilliant man and recognizes that with today’s world challenges, it may be necessary to be prepared to leave this planet.”

Apparently the best minds on the planet aren’t confident the world will be able to work out its problems before facing self destruction from nuclear bombs, global warming or other prominent threats.

“People also need to realize that this planet won’t last forever even if we can settle our differences and live in peace,” Gates said. “Eventually our sun will go nova and destroy the planet, so it will definitely be beneficial to have a backup planet to head to someday or at least to have made friends with an alien race and traded technologies so we have someone to help us out.”

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