Bush Announces New Foreign Policy

Posted by Cynical Sarah on April 1, 2006

U.S. President George W. Bush announced today that he’s enacting a new foreign policy called “No Whiners Allowed.” This policy will restrict what foreign dignitaries will be allowed to meet with the president.

President Bush said he was tired of hearing the criticism and the complaints from people all over the world regarding his actions.

“All the negativity and the questioning of my decisions are just bumming me out,” President Bush said. “From now on, you’re either with me 100 percent, or I’m just not going to listen to you anymore.”

There’s already been one casualty resulting from the new policy. Vincente Fox, president of Mexico, hasn’t been able to get President Bush on the phone for days now.

“I just want to talk to him about the immigration issues that are going on in the U.S.,” Fox said. “I told is secretary that I needed to talk to him about our side of this issue and the whole border restrictions that are coming up too, but I was put on hold for hours waiting.”

The President never did pick up the phone to answer Fox’s call and subsequent calls back resulted in the same problem.

“Finally, the secretary told me outright that Bush wouldn’t be taking any calls from me that he knew would be just a bunch of whining and complaining,” Fox said. “That’s just rude.”

Mexico isn’t the only country who lost the ear of the President almost immediately. Jacques Chirac, president of France, is also having trouble getting Bush to take his calls.

“Stopping contact from France is just an obvious result from this new policy,” said a White House representative. “Nothing good ever comes from a call from President Chirac. It’s always ‘You made a mistake in Iraq,’ ‘Look at the prices of oil now!’ or ‘We will only help you if you do this for us.’”

Chirac said he was infuriated by the new policy and wouldn’t stand for this snubbing.

“If President Bush won’t talk to me, then I won’t take his calls anymore either. From now on, we won’t even pretend to consider helping him out in his war on terrorism or Iraq and Iran when the time comes,” Chirac said.

Chirac and Fox could get back on Bush’s good side though if they’re willing to make some changes. The new policy includes provisions under which offending dignitaries can be granted a meeting with the President again.

They must agree, in writing, not to criticize or complain about any current policies or actions. Once they’ve done that, they will be granted one meeting or phone call with President Bush. If they can stick to the agreement during that time, proving that they are willing to follow the new “No Whiners” policy, they will have full access to the President again. On the other hand, if they can’t stick to that agreement, they will be cut off from the President without warning.

“It’s really just a matter of mental health for President Bush at this point. He’s at his lowest point right now with low approval ratings and really not much going his way,” said one of his advisors. “Any more problems could send him right over the edge.”

The policy actually started as an internal one only. Cabinet members and staff weren’t allowed to speak to the President about their concerns or criticize his decisions. Those that did were replaced.

“That worked so well that we advisors, under the advice of Bush’s doctor, talked him into making it a foreign policy as well,” said the advisor. “The President is now in his own little bubble of positive thought and maybe that will help him get through this term.”

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