Cursed Tongue: Clutter, Clutter, Boil and Butter

Posted by CursedTongue on October 19, 2006

The excess of modern life suffocates us. There’s more to learn how to work. There’s more to keep track of, more to dust, and more to plug in overnight so it can recharge. Things you have to buy storage solutions for at IKEA. Things that need accessories and replacement parts, which require even more storage solutions at IKEA.

When we bought a Hi Def TV, we quickly found that there isn’t much in the way of Hi Def programming. If we pay nearly twice as much for digital cable, we’d get Hi Def local channels, shopping networks, religious channels and movie channels.

I don’t know about you, but the only added value in that package seems to be the movie channels, which if we’d wanted them we would have ordered them already. And I suppose that the last thing I want to see in Hi Def is the local news. It won’t increase the IQ of the newscasters, just the chance that I’ll gag from an unexpected gratuitous, ratings-grabbing footage of brutal honesty.

In fact, after seeing Hi Def programming, I’ve decided we’re all better off not seeing average human faces with their enlarged pours, acne, pockmarks, wrinkles, and mole-infested geography magnified to fit all 103 inches of plasma screen. Now that I really think about it, I’m baffled by the purpose of Hi Def. If I want to experience true-to life realism, I would go out and commune with nature, or go to an IMax movie.

It doesn’t satisfy manufacturers to sell us one useless product, like Hi Def TVs. They have to come up with variations on the useless product to produce a plethora of semi-functional plastic wastes of space, like a Swiffer(R). They have Swiffer Sweeper Wet(R), Swiffer WetJet(R), Swiffer Max(R), Swiffer(R), Swiffer Sweep+Vac(R) and the CarpetFlick(R), a device that scrapes crumbs from carpeting and contains sticky paper to catch the crumbs, because obviously, one just can’t let crumbs tumble around in the inside of a cleaning device. (Kudos to Procter & Gamble for reinventing the carpet sweeper.)

These products are extra special, because they aren’t just selling a mop that kind of works; they’re selling the pad to put on the glorified mop. The pad that lasts for about 10 square feet before it has to be replaced.
Nor is it enough for these companies to contain the worthlessness of their products to one area. Many manufactures have created multi-tasking monstrosities. Contraptions meant to do many things can’t possibly do all of them well.

It’s a miracle if they do any of them well. How many people own a toaster oven and a toaster? If it’s called a toaster oven, it should toast. I would also like to know how many people own the Aroma 3-in-1 Mini Toaster Oven, Griddle & Coffeemaker. I’m sure it’s a space saver, and fairly sure that that it will be responsible for some apartment fires, or at least runny eggs, weak coffee and raw toast.

Even if a gadget works as advertised we’re lucky if it isn’t pushing up landfill daisies after 5 years. Shouldn’t we be demanding more from our appliances? My Grandma owns an electronic carving knife that she’s had for over four decades. It doesn’t even smoke or anything when Grandpa carves the turkey on Thanksgiving. Better yet, it actually carves the turkey. So it is possible to produce durable goods with new and improved long-lasting durability. Or would it be old and re-improved?

The useless, the variations on useless, the useless burdened with many facets of uselessness and the shortly lived useless, clutter our homes and our culture. It’s no wonder the terrorists hate us, with our choice of 11 different blenders in one aisle at the Wal-Mart. It’s also no wonder our country is going to hell in an organizational wicker basket from IKEA.

- Sarah Letnes

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