Cursed Tongue: What’s Your Damage?

Posted by CursedTongue on September 11, 2008

Last week I brought my recycling bin in early.  Unusual for me, and exciting information for my reading audience, I know.  But it was a good thing.  About two hours after the waste removal professional dispatched my plastic empties, tin cans and toilet paper rolls, the wind whipped into a frenzy.

Not just any frenzy, but a tree snapping, plane-tipping bender that ended in enough tears to put Chandler 2 inches over our average rainfall for the year.  I was alerted to the 70 mph gales by a sound that I couldn’t quite discern.  Was it thunder?  Or was it a neighbor wheeling in their recycling bin?  It was neither.  The wind was commenting on our paltry efforts to save the planet by shoving bins down the street.

I briefly contemplated saving the bin of the neighbor I like.  And then I saw a white cloud of dust blow down the street and decided I didn’t like them that much.  Venturing out to be pummeled by millions of pinpricks, the eye-burning dust, the grit left in my teeth did not sound wise.  The wind battered the small aircraft at Chandler Municipal airport.  Upending planes as if they were nature’s playthings.  (Which they are, which we all are, really.)  Then the sky ripped open and loosed a torrent of rain.  Well, a torrent for the desert.

By the evening it was calm enough for us to go on our nightly walk.  I didn’t really think that this storm had been that bad (obviously, I had neglected to watch the news).  We were soon greeted by the forest fresh scent of fallen pine tree.  The trunk had snapped at the root, almost as neatly as if it had been done by a chainsaw.

There were about a dozen other trees on our route that suffered major damage.  Our own mesquite had appeared fine when we left for our walk.  But when we arrived home, coming around the other side of our house I realized something was wrong.  The branches were much lower than I remembered them being.

They had been easy to walk under just three days ago, after I trimmed them.  Now I had to duck.  Mesquites grow like crazy, but even this was ridiculous.  The trunk was fine.  It seemed to be leaning a little bit.  But that didn’t account for the extent of the damage.  There was something very wrong with the tree I have spent hours pondering the shape of while trimming it.  Then Sweetface and I realized that the tree had twisted in its spot, the first ever Entish mesquite.  A failed attempt to escape the front yard that has gone through 8 ice plants?  Perhaps.

The next day we went to the local big box hardware store.  Just like the umbrella display that appears by the entrance to the Target on rainy days, there was a display of tree support kits.  The shopping trip was the difficult part of recovering from the storm.  Because, as anyone who’s been in a big box hardware store knows, it’s more difficult to find an associate knowledgeable about hardware than it was to find a FEMA administrator during hurricane Katrina.

It proved to be one of those times when Sweetface and I have completely different “You’ve got to be kidding,” ideas about how to fix things.  One of those dark moments where I briefly wonder if I’d get away with strangling him.

Luckily, an enterprising landscaper happened to be loitering in the garden section, and we learned that the job required a tree harness kit, a metal rod (a.k.a. piece D-45), and a heavy-duty hammer.  I was so glad that marital crisis had been averted that I barely feel the need to point out that the tree harness kit was my idea.

Filed Under: Cursed Tongue, Guest Blog - Comments: Be the First to Comment

Tags: humor, landscaping, marriage

top