Cursed Tongue: All Lit Up

Posted by CursedTongue on December 12, 2006

I will never understand why people who can afford chauffeurs get caught driving under the influence of a various legal and illegal substances. Not that there is ever an excuse to drive under the influence. But if a prime candidate for a celebrity perp walk can afford to buy a Taxi company, it is just plain stupid for them to get behind the wheel of a car while smashed.

Upon hearing reports of Nicole Richie’s recent arrest, I’m at a loss to decide what is more disturbing. The fact that she was high on a Vicodin/wacky weed cocktail and driving the wrong way on a freeway, or the fact that no healthy young woman over 5 feet should weigh only 85 pounds. Kudos to Richie, who managed to cram a lifetime supply of cries for help into one intoxicated night.

It seems that Richie couldn’t stand the fact that her Simple pal Paris Hilton had gotten the latest in celebrity accessories: a DUI. In her quest for an In and Out Burger, Hilton took her own trip down Brandycane Lane. In and Out Burgers are good, granted, and the only fast food burger I’ll eat willingly. But couldn’t the hotel heiress have paid someone to deliver? Does it really boil down to the cliché that it’s hard to find good help these days? Despite the recent bust of illegal immigrants at meat packing plants, isn’t there still plenty of cheap labor available?

My mother measures her success as a parent by the fact that neither of her children have ever been arrested. By my Mom’s reasoning, the Richies and Hiltons apparently hired sub-par nannies. The affliction of poorly socialized socialites is a direct consequence of the flood of illegal immigrants.

I’m only surprised that neither Richie nor Hilton went on an intolerant rant blaming PETA for all of the wars in the world. Mel Gibson’s own DUI was more of a promotional tour for Apocalypto than a hot accessory. And that explains why Tracy Morgan, who stars in floundering NBC series 30 Rock, risked a probation violation for his own inebriated publicity junket on the streets of Manhattan.

Confused about the concept of the DUI promotional tour, an inebriated Danny DeVito appeared on The View, in order to promote his new film, Deck the Halls. Instead of keeping the Highway Patrol busy, DeVito slurred and bumbled his way through an interview, much to the chagrin of a highly unamused Barbara Walters. From watching the trailer, I suppose the pre-interview Limoncellos shooters he indulged in could have been medicinal. Deck the Halls, the alternate title of which is All Lit Up, is certainly a low point in DeVito’s career. (And he was in Drowning Mona.)

Apocalypto took the top slot at the box office over the weekend. And last week NBC ordered a full season of 30 Rock. Deck the Halls was panned by critics and grossed a paltry $30 million since its Nov. 22 release date. Proving that the formula for success relies upon the drinking and the driving aspects of the fashionable weaving publicity bandwagon. Some are predicting that the trend of celebrity DUI promotional tours will continue, unless authorities crack down on this latest epidemic.

The U.S. obviously lacks quality nannies and drivers to cater to the whims of the rich and famous. Blame for the DUI scourge rests squarely on the bent, underpaid shoulders of illegal immigrants. The U.S. must regulate the influx of cheap labor, in order to nip the blight of celebrity DUIs in the bud. Preferably before any of the little people get a free, unexpected trip through a windshield.

- Sarah Letnes

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Tags: celebrity, humor

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