Cursed Tongue: Barbie Frets Retail Sag, China Holds the Bag

Posted by CursedTongue on August 12, 2007

A new spate of toy recalls includes Polly Pocket and other toys with tiny, shiny, easy-to-swallow magnets. Polly, manufactured by Mattel, shares the magnet recall stage with Barbie, Batman and the nauseatingly cute Doggie Daycare.

The magnets can cause “intestinal perforation” in the event that more than one is swallowed and they attract through the twists and turns of baby bowels. Some enterprising toddlers have even managed to aspirate them. Even this intrepid blogger, who almost failed biology, knows that’s bad.

It’s not exactly a shocker that these toys with strong, bite-sized magnets are dangerous. In fact, Polly Pockets suffered a magnet-related recall last November. Magnetix, by Mega Brands, another toy employing the use of small and powerful magnets, was recalled on March 31, 2006 and again on April 19, 2007. And yet these magnetized toys return to store shelves like naughty constituent-ignoring members of Congress that mysteriously keep winning reelection.

The manufacturers of magnetic toys are like that run down house on the block with the peeling sickly green paint that everyone knows is a crack den, but for some reason the authorities let it fester there, seeping corruption into the neighborhood. Apparently, the August recall is not enough to stop Polly’s assault on the young and defenseless, only slow it down. Mattel intends to continue the manufacture of magnetic toys. Is there a point to recalling these toys, if they are still in production?

After the November 2006 Polly Pocket recall, Mattel began using a new glue to hold the magnets in. Consumers were still reporting dislodged magnets, despite the success of Mattel’s tests, gluing fully loaded Ford Fiestas to the ceiling. Hopefully, Mattel took the precaution of putting the researchers in a well-ventilated area. Nothing corrupts the integrity of research data like huffing.

The latest recall has Mattel promising to redesign their toys so that the plastic encases the magnets. Magnetix toys already encase their magnets in plastic. Cheap plastic that easily breaks, freeing the magnet to wreak havoc on toddler intestinal tracts. Hence the two prior recalls. At least Magnetix are recommended for kids six and up. Many of the Mattel magnetized toys are recommended for kids as young as three. Anyone who’s met more than one 3-year-old in person, knows it is not a magical age at which kids stop putting things in their mouths.

Why don’t we just let kids have baby bowie knives, bags of rusty nails and Easy Bake Meth Labs? Speaking of which, what parent in their right mind is still buying Easy Bake Ovens for children who they hope will grow into adulthood, relatively burn scar free and with all of their fingers attached?

It’s kind of unfair to the manufacturers that the magnet recall is being rolled in with the lead paint recall. The dangerous magnets can hardly be blamed on the Chinese manufacturer of the toy. I’m assuming, of course, that the designer of the toys intended for Polly to stick to her Day Spa, and that it wasn’t some in-factory innovation.

I think it’s safe to blame the toy maggots … um … magnates, for not giving up on the “magic” of magnets and finding a safer molded plastic piece of crap concept to make millions of dollars off of.

Is it just me, or does the recently recalled playset, “Polly PocketTM Mailbox SurpriseTM” sound more like a bomb threat than a toy? It’s as if the toy companies are mocking the personal safety of America’s children. A statement on the Mattel Web site touts their commitment to the safety of children. A truly committed company would at least raise the recommended age on products with magnets.

If you see BarbieTM around this week, she may look a little stoned and peaky. While her perky plastic casabas will never sag, I’m sure her sales will. Rumor is that Mattel’s corporate officers have their meal ticket with the freakish figure hopped up on promises of quality and value, not to mention plenty of tiny Valiums.

Will the icon of American culture blamed for driving little girls to anorexia pull through? Or will the bombshell with the vacant stare end up moldering in the clearance bin, leaving a vacancy in the market, which something as horrifying as Bratz DollsTM might fill? It will be a sad day in America when little girls idolize thong-wearing, slutty, bigheads instead of Barbie. Even if she is implicated in the injuries of innocent children.

- Sarah Letnes

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Tags: humor, toys

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