Cursed Tongue: Bling Bling, Frankincense and Myrrh

Posted by CursedTongue on November 12, 2006

The vigor of the nation’s economy rests on the vibrating, furry-red shoulders of the 10th Anniversary Edition of the Tickle Me Elmo Doll. It’s easy to miss the connection between a muppet beloved by 3-year-olds and the health of the wealth of the U. S., but trust me, if he’s not flying off of store shelves this year, there will be a bleak consumer spending reports and then the NASDAQ will go all to hell.

On the upside, though, unemployment will rise and you’ll be able to get decent service at the Olive Garden.

I’m sure that if you look into your heart and ask what Jesus would do, he would tell you to spend big this Holiday Season. Jesus would want you to generously distribute Lego CityTM Building Cranes complete with LegoTM Port-a-Johns throughout the land. While you’re at it, I’m sure He would also want you to buy an inflatable light-up snow globe with a charming winter scene to bless your lawn with the spirit of Christmas. And this year it seems that Wal-Mart and Jesus agree.

Wal-Mart, the magical moralizing megastore, recently revised its position on not touching the word “Christmas” with a ten foot, pre-lit, PVC Douglas Fir. This year it will greet and entice customers with “Merry Christmas.” On their Web site the word “Christmas” appears three times on their home page, undoubtedly a reference to the Holy Trinity of Merchandising.

Last year there was a media feeding frenzy over the word “Christmas” being as taboo as the words Super BowlTM in retailer advertising. (I probably owe the NFL $300,000 for daring to print their cherished trademarked words, but isn’t it worth the satisfaction of shocking the public with off-limits language?) Christian groups were reportedly outraged at the exclusion of Christ from “Spirit of the Holidays Super Sales” at megastores and in shopping malls. Consumers were stocking up for the big day, but mention of the purported reason for all of the preparation was tactfully avoided.

I was surprised that this was the major Holiday Season issue in 2005. I can’t remember a November or December, where the words, “Happy Holidays” weren’t emblazoned in slutty, glitter-strewn red letters everywhere like a retail version of the Whore of Babylon. The supposed death of “Merry Christmas” was almost as appealing to news reporters as the over-scrutinized Jennifer Aniston/Brad Pitt break-up. The reason for last year’s “Winter Holiday” obsession was a mysterious as the Virgin Birth.

The idea that companies wishing people a “Merry Christmas” is exclusive to other religions is ridiculous. I know I’m getting my name written on the PC Thug “naughty” list, but I honestly don’t see the problem with wanting people to have a pleasant Christmas, whether they celebrate it or not. I certainly wouldn’t be offended if someone wished me a Happy Ramadan. (A holiday that you can tell I don’t celebrate and know nothing about because I equate it with Christmas.)

The way that some people complain, one would think the retailers were showing up on the doorsteps of customers with copies of “The Watchtower.” And honestly, when they say “Happy Holidays” aren’t retailers broadcasting the sterile Jehovah’s Witness no fun of any kind world-view anyway?

Of course, if I were a more devout Christian, I might be offended by the use of my Savior’s name to sell Power Rangers Deluxe Manticore MegazordsTM, and My SceneTM My Bling BlingTM Styling Heads. An attitude like that would get me laughed right out of the mall, because everyone knows that Christmas is all about receiving valuable merchandise.

I’m sure that Jesus will be sliding down the chimneys of all the little boys and girls with plenty of Butterscotch – Furreal Friend PoniesTM and CrayolaTM Color WonderTM Sprayers in his enchanted gift bag. Keeping little elves employed everywhere.

- Sarah Letnes

Filed Under: Cursed Tongue, Guest Blog - Comments: Be the First to Comment

Tags: economy, humor, shopping, toys

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