Cursed Tongue: Extremely Wrongful Tantrum

Posted by CursedTongue on October 24, 2007

China came down with a bout of the religious intolerance flu and begged out of attending this week’s conference on Iran. Protesting the Dalai Lama’s acceptance of the Congressional Medal of Honor on Wednesday, China, a nation of petulant only children, has packed up its toys and gone home.

Discussing the proliferation of nuclear weapons in Iran, otherwise known as the next country that President Bush will want to liberate, is apparently not as important as throwing a fit over honors bestowed on the Dalai Lama.

The debacle has prompted a flurry of humorous quotes. “China has solemnly demanded the United States cancel the above-mentioned and extremely wrongful arrangement,” said Yang Jiechi, current Chinese Foreign Minister, and former author of instruction manuals. (“Use of above-mentioned hairdryer in bathtub is extremely wrongful arrangement.”)

“We are furious. If the Dalai Lama can receive such an award, there must be no justice or good people in the world.” said Zhang Qingli, the Communist Party boss in Tibet, before stomping off to mope in the closet.

The Bush Administration defended their actions. “We in no way want to stir the pot and make China feel that we are poking a stick in their eye to a country that we have…a good relationship with on a variety of issues,” said White House Press Secretary Barbie, Dana Perino in response to China’s snit.

I’m certain that now the only thing China can think of is how the U.S. is stirring the pot and poking them in the eye with a stick. All I can think about is how Perino must have been hungry for Kung Pao Chicken when she wrote those limp metaphors.

At least we are not alone on China’s “Countries We Hope Iran Bombs First,” list. Also upset with Chancellor Angela Merkel for meeting with the Dalai Lama last month, China claimed to have the measles when backing out of an annual play date with Germany on human rights. That’s kind of like Lindsey Lohan ditching an AA meeting.

Spokesman for China’s Foreign Ministry, Liu Jianchao, demanded that the U.S. take concrete actions to repair our relationship with China. When questioned on what China expected the U.S. to do to atone for awarding the Dalai Lama for his quest of freedom for Tibet, Liu told reporters that Washington knows what they have to do. Clearly, China is upset that Mexico got its first Taco Bell and wants its first Panda Express. I say, “Let them eat soggy Kung Pao Chicken.”

China’s bad behavior proves that you can lead a Maoist to water, but you can’t make him ease up on Tibet. Because China decided to sulk instead of overlook the award to the Dalai Lama, they drew attention to him and the plight of Tibet. Attention that would have rightly gone to Lindsey Lohan and her struggle with addiction and stupidity.

Because everyone knows that graduates of the Disney Whore Factory are more important than incarnations of the Buddha of Compassion.

I think a peek at the Earth chore chart will reveal that it’s China’s turn to handle the next “liberation.” Surely, they can quell the threat of a nuclear capable nation run by Islam extremist whackjobs with iron-fisted Communist doctrine and crappy, inexpensive merchandise coated with lead paint. It’s time for China put down their ratty, well-loved Tibetan Oppression Panda (Not recommended for children under 3.), and fulfill their obligations to the rest of the world. Because who do you think will buy your subpar merchandise in the middle of a nuclear winter, young man?

- Sarah Letnes

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Tags: humor, politics

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