Cursed Tongue: Gliese 581c: Great Starter Planet

Posted by CursedTongue on May 20, 2007

Astrotastic news, Dear Readers! Scientists found a planet within a convenient 20.5 light years of Earth. A spacious 984,675,000 square miles, this planet comfortably seats 30 billion. Move-in condition with temperatures ranging from 0 and 40 degrees Celsius, this extrasolar gem may contain liquid water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, and for American news outlets too lazy to convert that’s between 32 and 104 degrees Fahrenheit.)

Listed as Gliese 581c, because it orbits the red dwarf star Gliese 581, and because scientists are too responsible to call it Earth II and Super-Earth–this planet could be the last hope for the survival of mankind.

While the news media sensationalizes with headlines about the habitable planet, really the only things scientists know for certain at this point is that there is a planet, it is big and it could be receiving Earth’s radio signals from the mid 80’s. (I’m kind of hoping that if there is intelligent life on 581c, they can forgive us for repeatedly playing, “Karma karma karma karma karma chameleon.”)

581c is the 228th planet to be found by astronomers. By “found” scientists mean that the existence of these planets could be detected by their gravitational influence on stars. But it means that no one has actually seen Gliese 581c. And the only things scientists know for certain about 581c are the minimum mass and the distance of the planet from Red Dwarf Gliese 581.

Two details that raise the probability for the existence of liquid water on 581c.

Whether it actually has liquid water, or in fact any water, is not so much of an obstacle that it has dampened the spirits of copywriters, who are coming up with clever names like New Earth.

It was also proof enough for London bookmakers to lower the odds on whether there is other intelligent life in the universe from 1000 to 1, to 100 to 1. The information on 581c is not vague or improbable enough to dry out my enthusiasm, either. Even if this planet proves to be another Milky Way dud, it is still the smallest extrasolar planet we have “found” to date. And in an infinite universe, if 581c exists, there must be others like it.

To those doubters who thought we were alone in the unfathomably large universe, I have one thing to say, and that is, “I told you so.” I’m not saying that there are little green bodies being preserved in area 51. Nor am I saying that there are aliens hijacking rural people, turning cows inside out and sucking bees up into their technologically advanced insect collecting dust-buster. I’m only saying it’s unbelievably conceited to think that we are the only moldy rock spinning through an infinite universe. Humans are special, if by that you mean we all need remedial education.

When we ruin this planet, we can pack our best and brightest, (i.e. richest and most famous) onto a shuttle with their H2s, $15,000 umbrella stands and pricy foreign baby collections. Assuming that scientists figure out how to travel at light speed within the next five years, they should arrive in 20.5 years.

Rest assured, when they land, they will all still look young, although perhaps a little like someone stretched their faces towards their scalps, trimmed the excess and then sewed the remaining skin to their ears. Whatever they find on 581c when they arrive, they’ll appear to be surprised.

Hopefully any potential occupants of Gliese 581c will accept these humans, so that the out-of-touch, depraved, gluttonous, nipped and tucked will survive in our stead. The only hope for Earth’s little people is that the survivorati bring DNA samples with them and adopting cloned babies becomes a fad on 581c. Of course, once they arrive and find nary a Starbucks or day laborer, I have my doubts about their ability to build a functioning society. You can’t run a planet without caffeine and cheap labor.

- Sarah Letnes

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Tags: humor, news, science

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