Cursed Tongue: Gratuitous Fortification

Posted by CursedTongue on June 6, 2007

Nothing says, “I’m an idiot,” like carrying a bottle of vitamin water.

I know I’m a harsh judge, but I automatically question the intelligence of anyone over the age of 18 who chooses to suck down filtered water with added flavor and 26 cents worth of vitamin C, B and E. If they’re under 10 I question the intelligence of their parents. And I sincerely believe that the U.S. economy would collapse if there weren’t pointless consumer goods for teenagers to purchase.

I have no sympathy for people who drink vitamin water. It’s not that I think there’s anything wrong with trying to get you r recommended daily allowance of vitamin C in liquid form. It’s just that there already is a good way to do that — it’s called orange juice.

Anyone heard of milk? Soy milk, anyone? Or, I don’t know…V8? Absorbing vitamins from sources closer to cows or fruits and vegetables has to be more beneficial than water infused with vitamin dust sweepings from the floor of the supplement packing plant.

Beverage companies are touting health benefits, ranging from weight loss to beautiful skin. Of course, there’s scant evidence that the supplements in expensive sugar water will deliver on their promises.

Adding vitamins artificially to water might give drinkers warm health fuzzies about spending extra, but there’s no way to know how much the human body is actually absorbing, or if the imbiber is receiving health benefits from said vitamins. People with a typical U.S. diet don’t even need the extra vitamins.

It’s a mistake to believe that even though fortified bottled waters may not offer health benefits that they’re harmless. “Enhancing” water can more than double the price. It also adds calories to a naturally calorie-free beverage. While not as chock full of sugar as soda, vitamin water is an easy way to pack in additional calories. The only thing that most Americans need more than gratuitous calories is a daily steaming hot mug of lard.

The proliferation of flavored, enhanced beverages engenders distaste for plain water in the current, already spoiled, generation of American children. They’ll never have to entertain themselves and they’ll never have to ingest liquid lacking a fruity-sweet artificial taste. They’re not going to be strong enough to survive the hellish, designer-water-free-reign of robot overlords.

Cavities are on the rise because children are drinking less tap water, and therefore they aren’t getting the benefits of the fluoride in that water. PepsiCo and Coca Cola are missing out on the fluoridated caffeinated ginseng peach-mango flavored vitamin B water market.

Furthermore, sales in the niche market of enhanced drinks, has tripled from 2001 to 2006. That means more plastic bottles to recycle or live next to empty plastic clamshells from miniscule electronics and AOL CDs in landfills.

And the most heinous crime committed in the name of marketing flavored water is calling regular water “Original Flavored.” The beverage industry is, in essence, taking credit for the flavor of plain water. Frankly, if I had created water, I’d be upset about that. (Ah, for the days of the vengeful Old Testament God.)

Coca Cola is planning on adding a nominal amount of fiber to enhanced Dasani water. If only the giants of the beverage world would come up with a supplement that enhanced intelligence, and made their product development department drink it. A lot of it.

- Sarah Letnes

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Tags: health, humor

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