Cursed Tongue: I Need Some Space

Posted by CursedTongue on February 10, 2007

Face it, clichéd items like chocolate and roses just don’t convey the depth and breadth of your love. Throwing money at the problem by sending a “custom,” guaranteed for life, Vermont Teddy Bear is not the answer. Spending 15 minutes on the phone with a Beary Helpful Operator displays more indifference than affection. I believe their motto is, “Show you barely care, send a bear.” This year, you need a special Valentine’s gift to impress your spouse, date, boyfriend or girlfriend, or the person heretofore know as Plaintiff.

Stumped for something original to get your loved one this Valentine’s Day? Luckily the news media has, in the past week, been pushing love stories as if they were Meth. I can barely watch the news for five minutes without stumbling over an ingenious concept for expressing my love for another.

Nothing says, “I’m crazy about you,” like a 900-mile trip in a diaper to take out a rival with a BB gun, knife, rubber tubing, mace and a steel mallet. Don’t forget the wig and change of trench coat. Letting little things like being married, having three children to care for and a career that little kids want to be when they grow up, get in your way shows lack of commitment. It’s as if Lisa Nowak tired of being an Astronaut and sat down to plot the perfect whack-job story for a made for TV movie.

Of course, if NASA loves the space program, they might want to consider the Valentine’s gift of more stringent psychological evaluations for shuttle crews.

For the avid skydiver, tampering with your love rival’s parachute is the perfect V Day gift for the boyfriend that you just can’t get enough of because he’s sleeping with your best friend. Only someone truly in love would be willing to go to jail for murder to have their schmoopsie-poo entirely to themselves.

Icon of sickening lovey-sweetness, Ryan O’Neal, who starred in Love Story, one of the most retchtastic romantic flicks of all time, was accused of hitting his son’s pregnant girlfriend with a fireplace poker and negligently discharging a firearm. Allegedly assaulting the mother of your grandchildren will certainly endear you to the rest of your family on Valentine’s Day.

Electronic gadgets are increasingly popular gifts for loved ones, and a great substitute for jewelry. MP3 players, in particular, are a good way to put your Valentine into a state of oblivion. Not only will it keep them quiet and deteriorate their hearing (making underbreath comments easier to get away with) but they are a danger to pedestrians who pay more attention to Sting than the traffic. After two iPod related deaths, New York legislators are drafting a ban on distracting gadgets in crosswalks.

If you only sort of love the person you’re spending Valentine’s Day with, you could make reservations at a participating White Castle. Where for this one special night diners will be greeted by a hostess and led to a candle lit-table. For those of you who don’t know a White Castle from a Wendy’s, it’s a super classy fast food joint, where the burgers are small and square, and one can buy ten of them in what the restaurant has dubbed a “Crave Case.” (Amtrak diners can purchase White Castle Burgers en route. As far as I’m concerned, if you can buy a processed food-like item on a train, it has to be good.)

You don’t have to spend a dime to express your boundless love for that special person in your life. With a grand gesture like declaring publicly that you’ll never marry them, I’m sure you’d absolutely sweep them off their feet. Jim Carrey told reporters about his deep non-commitment to girlfriend, Playboy Playmate and Comedian Jenny McCarthy, “We’re never getting married, but we’re never getting divorced, which is fantastic.” I know a man telling the press that I would never be worth a ceremonial and legal pledge of loyalty and fidelity would make me warm and fuzzy all over.

If we could only get celebrities to promise that they will stop breeding and adopting …

I’m thinking of getting my husband a video game for Valentine’s, which is really the gift of “I don’t want to see you for two weeks.” Not because I want two husband-free weeks, but because I suspect he gets tired of me.

Next week he’ll crawl into the darkened computer room and shoot Nazis/Aliens/Monsters until he gets hungry, at which point he can fix himself cereal, because I’ll be relaxing in the bath/doing my nails/bitching on the phone. Ah, love, assault with a deadly weapon, insanity and space, the perfect combination for a special Valentine’s Day.

- Sarah Letnes

Filed Under: Cursed Tongue, Guest Blog - Comments: Be the First to Comment

Tags: humor, valentine's day

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