Cursed Tongue: Indiana Bones

Posted by CursedTongue on January 14, 2007

Sylvester Stallone seems to have sparked an old guy action flick sequel revolution. A few weeks ago he released Rocky Balboa, the sixth installment of the Rocky ad nauseam epic saga. Rocky V was released 17 years ago in 1990. And because one movie about a pensioner getting into fights obviously isn’t enough, Stallone is working on Rambo IV.

Steven Spielberg recently announced that a forth Indiana Jones movie will begin filming in June. The Indiana Jones movie franchise is 25 years old, and The Last Crusade was released in 1989. From 1995 on, filmmakers teased the public with continued promises to make Indy IV. (Despite the fact that they called Indy III Indiana Jones and The Last Crusade.)

Harrison Ford is slated to play the role again in this movie, despite the fact that he is four years older and more decrepit than Stallone. Harrison Ford was eligible to join AARP 14 years ago.

The title of the film, which long ago exhausted any audience anticipation, is Indiana Jones and the Ravages of Time. Which leads me to believe that George Lucas, executive producer of the film, is messing with us once again. But Rocky, Rambo, and Indiana Jones aren’t the only ones hobbling out of assisted living to make action movies.

Hollywood is going to extremes to avoid making a movie that isn’t a sequel. Slated for release in 2009 is Magneto, another film that will entice Jay Leno to write jokes about the actors and possible hip breakage. Magneto will be a prequel to the X-Men movies, detailing the youth of arch-villain Magneto. Producers of the film have chosen Ian McKellen and Patrick Stewart to play their younger selves.

Producers of Magneto, have uncovered the fountain of youth. You may not have heard about it, because the fountain of youth involves millions of dollars, a room full of nerds, an approximated 3,500 gallons of Mt. Dew and will only be temporary. The nerds will be using computer graphics to slough wrinkles and digitally remove the overwhelming stench of Bengay.

I realize that there’s nothing wrong with growing old, and that it’s happening to me right now. But I promise never to turn 64 and continue a movie franchise built on being a virile, kick-ass macho man. I suppose the Geezer Movie Revolution bothers me because we would never see Karen Allen get a Lara Croft-type role requiring her to hand out profuse amounts of scantily clad whoop-ass.

And Allen, the Raiders of the Lost Arc love interest, is Ford’s junior by nearly a decade. Female actors have expiration dates, and male actors can go on being James Bond with their uppers sliding around in their mouths.

But perhaps with the advent of the computer graphics defossilization process we’ll see Hollywood repeal the “Shovel Old Broads into Movies Based on Jane Austin Novels” Act. So maybe there is hope for a Judi Dench wire-fighting flick. As long as they don’t do any close-ups of her compulsory “Sell by 1975″ tattoo. But you won’t catch me holding my breath.

- Sarah Letnes

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