Cursed Tongue: Indisposed

Posted by CursedTongue on October 16, 2007

Every time a new disposable item comes out on the market I think that manufacturers have finally crossed the line. But it seems that lines to cross are one resource that won’t diminish.

The latest one-use-wonder is a non-recyclable SimplyCookingTM Microwave Steaming Bag, so now, consumers can steam vegetables in the microwave. I’ll give you a moment to oh and ah as Glad apparently expects you to, Gentle Reader.

It’s not as if there is a reusable, microwave and dishwasher safe plastic bowl with a reusable, microwave and dishwasher safe colander insert and matching lid with a vent. Except that I have one in my cabinet. Granted they are a little difficult to come by, probably because they have the sever handicap of lasting for over seven years. In fact, I foresee this kitchen wonder being used by me until the fateful day when I have children old enough to play G. I. “Microwave Steam Bath” Joe. Assuming I can scrape enough Joe off of the plastic vessel, it’s recyclable.

Bamboo is a company that manufactures, “innovative products for your pet’s well-being & safety,” and landfill fodder. One such “innovation” is a plastic insert that lazy pet owners can leave in their pet’s bowl for up three days and then toss without the hassle of picking it up and putting it in the dishwasher. (Twelve liners last a month according to Bamboo’s label.)

Forget for a moment that letting even a cat eat three-day-old, crusty gravy is gross and wrong. It’s as if the executives at Bamboo were sitting around the boardroom one day, wondering what they could do to fatten up America’s anorexic landfills. They are recyclable, but recyclers require that vessels be washed out, which would completely defeat the purpose of the disposable bowl.

Selling two dishwasher safe bowls, where Bamboo can sell 12 packs of a dozen each year, benefits their bottom line with absolutely no regard to the ecological cost. Even if the majority of the bowls are recycled, we will still spend more energy, time and money than we would have on the two dishwasher safe bowls.

The consequences outweigh the benefits for this and similar “convenience” refillable items that don’t need to exist. People that frequent payday loan stores aren’t smart enough not to buy pet bowl liners. Therefore, Bamboo can just turn blue waiting for me to buy my dog another pair of Bamboo nail clippers.

On Nov. 2, Dreamworks is releasing Bee Movie, which stars Jerry Seinfeld as an animated bee. It’s as if the executives at Dreamworks were sitting around in the boardroom one day, wondering what they could do to intensify the irritating quality of Seinfeld’s humor.

The merchandising for the film includes a small plastic bee filled with two ounces of honey. For 99 cents consumers can negatively impact the environment for a sixth of the honey that Sue Bee puts into one of their bears. The honey-filled bees were in a basket at child-eye level in the most evil aisle in the supermarket, the cereal aisle. If you’re wondering why the cereal aisle is the most evil, pick a random Saturday and spend some time there. It won’t be long before a domestic dispute over Chocolate Chex or Captain Crunch Berries erupts.

(I think supermarkets should consider offering courtesy rolls of duct tape next to the courtesy anti-bacterial wipes. Combating suburban germ farms and preventing permanent hearing loss are worth the waste of wads of duct tape and wipes.)

Okay, okay, I shouldn’t be rationalizing one-use products that could easily be replaced by a pump bottle of Purell or with dishwasher safe ball gags. Corporations should be held responsible for rationalizing, glorifying and supplying the disposable society that we’ve become. Transgressions ranging from manufacturing one-use cooking vessels to not offering DRM free electronic music downloads, these amoral corporate bastions of disposable mega-evil must be punished by hordes of eco-friendly ninjas. Conscientious ninjas employ environmentally low-impact methods of death that don’t require bullets, which will just end up in bloated landfills.

- Sarah Letnes

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Tags: humor, shopping

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