Cursed Tongue: Smoke Free, Choke Free

Posted by CursedTongue on March 14, 2007

I love enjoying the smoke-free restaurants of Arizona. It’s pure bliss to sit through a meal without someone lighting up after they finish their pie. It’s not even so bad enduring the occasional black shroud of smoke on the way into the restaurant, to have a smoke-free restaurant.

But there is still evil lurking between the noise barriers and vinyl booths. They may look cute, they may look cuddly, but trust me, they’re germ-covered, shrieking, free-range monkeys. Okay, so it’s not their fault, they lack what I like to call “parental guidance.” (It’s not just for movie ratings.)

“Oh, isn’t that precious; Aiden is exploring the acoustics of the room by shouting at the top his lungs.” “Aw, Regan, is investigating social dynamics by talking to that couple while they’re trying to eat.” We’ve all seen them. Those parents who sit there while their children wreak havoc in a vain attempt to garner attention from the two people they love most in the whole world.

With the digital age comes a new annoyance: portable babysitters. A category that runs the gamut from DVD players to the latest in miniscule game systems. Don’t be fooled by the “educational” patina some companies slap onto their toddler distraction devices. Really, they’re just another way for parents to avoid interacting with their children. Technology is never an excuse for rudeness. (I’m talking to you, lady that talks on her Bluetooth in the public restroom.)

My sweet husband and I were in a mostly empty restaurant, sitting near a group of people. One of them appeared to be about 6 years old. She had a DVD player, which was just loud enough to be annoying. This would have been offense enough, but she also flopped around in her seat as if she was in her own living room. We could see her little sock feet peek over the divider between booths as she did her antsy pants wiggle dance.

More disturbing, was the lack of attention from any of the adults. No one at the table suggested that she maybe try sitting up to see how that worked for her. Nor did anyone involve her in conversation as they ate.

How is she supposed to learn about human interaction and sharing meals in the company of others if they let her veg on Disney movies because they don’t want to deal with her?

I understand that little people wiggle, but refraining from hanging upside-down in a restaurant booth is definitely within the capacity of an average 6-year-old. There were crayons at the restaurant in question. Nice quiet crayons. What’s wrong with those?

I don’t think we’re being unreasonable. My husband and I learned never to venture into a restaurant on clown night. And we would never go into a Chucky E Cheese, even if they happened to make pizza fit for human consumption.

I’m even willing to recognize that 2 year-olds are exempt from good manners. But I don’t think it’s unreasonable to demand parents at least pretend to care about how their children behave in the Olive Garden. Just because the Olive Garden doesn’t care about their food, doesn’t mean the restaurant is a free-for-all.

My solution to the plague of bad parenting is to repurpose the smoking section. In honor of my Dad, who always asks to be seated there, I call it the Open-Mouth Chewing Section. It’s a place where people with free-range children can sit without getting dirty looks from people who came to a restaurant to eat, not to be disturbed by non-voters.

For minimal cost, restaurants could even hang heavy curtains between the sections to dampen the noise. Heavy, heavy curtains. It may seem superfluous, but it could very well keep someone like me from choking “bystander” parents.

Okay, some people are thinking that maybe they need the Crotchety Old-Lady Section for people like me. I’m sure those people will regret it, though, when their kids are in the slammer for driving to Wal-Mart when their meth caught on fire.

- Sarah Letnes

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Tags: humor, restaurants

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