Cursed Tongue: Ted Turner Almighty, Creator of 24-Hour News Networks

Posted by CursedTongue on January 2, 2007

I swear on the fiber optic cable running through my house, my cable company is out for blood. Not just any blood, my blood. What proof do I have to back up these paranoid accusations? For one, the nasty cut on the ring finger of my right hand.

It’s no ordinary paper cut. It defeated my valiant weapon against the agony of paper cuts – my trusty letter opener. My shiny, sharp, stainless steel office assistant. I call her Sting. She is always by my side, except on airplanes. (Why use my fingers for a job, when an instrument that the government believes could kill a man will do?)

This was a vicious attack by an exciting offer from my cable company. The edge of that glossy envelope up and bit me on the finger. After the initial howling, writhing and speaking in tongues, I returned to the business of opening my mail. Then I noticed a bright red spot on the letter from a concerned broker who wanted to rest assured that I had the best mortgage rate. I’ve long suspected that the cable company wanted blood. Why, it is almost time for the yearly rate hike. They must have thought they could get a little extra out of me this year, in the form of blood sacrifice.

I’m also getting harassing daily calls from my cable provider in which no one is on the other end of the line. All that’s missing is the heavy breathing. If I didn’t have caller ID, I’d suspect that my husband was cheating on me. Unless he’s secretly seeing some cable customer service floozy …

It’s time we stood up to the cable industry as a nation. Couch potatoes are a force to be reckoned with. There are millions of us. And we’ve practically been training for a sit-in. Why should we be paying through the nose for television saturated with advertisements? Clever marketers keep shrinking the amount of time dedicated to actual shows.

If you don’t believe me, watch an episode of Family Ties, or The Cosby Show. They seem slow compared to the breakneck pace of more recent shows like The West Wing or Friends. I find myself wondering, “What did they say?” on a regular basis, because TV actors today are speaking so quickly. But it’s good to know that the super fast talker from the Micro Machine commercials has job security.

I think TIVO-hating advertisers are shooting themselves in the foot by shoehorning an ever-increasing number of commercials into breaks. I might just be getting older, but it seems I often forget what I was watching because the commercial breaks are longer and about as engaging as Lawrence of Arabia.

The other day, in my scramble to dislodge the remote from between the couch cushions, I was subjected to five whole minutes of church. (I just don’t see the point of sitting through a religious lecture if I’m not going to get a bland flavored cracker and some booze.)

Pastor Ed Young was pacing the stage in front of his congregation. He was asking that all of the women in his flock dress modestly, not out of respect for their own bodies or any reason that would make sense, but so they wouldn’t tempt any men out of their “sanctification.” Young was actually suggesting that men couldn’t be held responsible for their actions if they happened to glimpse cleavage.

The ultimate conclusion of this prescription for delivering men from evil is a theocratic fundamental Christian regime where all women would be required to cover their jiggly bits with burkas. (Personally, I believe men are entirely capable of keeping their sanctification in their pants, regardless of the presence of scantily clad women.)

How do I block wrongheaded religious advice with the V-chip? I don’t want to hear about the evils of halter-tops. I shouldn’t be paying for channels I never watch, and neither should anyone else. I will never be compelled to watch any of the plethora of ESPNs. Not even ESPN8 “The Ocho,” where, “If it’s almost a sport, we’ve got it!” Sports interest me so little that I even stopped watching the Super Bowl for the commercials after the infamous wardrobe malfunction, because I figured that had to be the high point.

And frankly, I could watch Telemundo all day long and understand maybe five words (and one of them would be Tide). I’m not saying that these are bad channels, I’m certain there are plenty of people who enjoy them. (Certainly, one doesn’t have to speak any Latin language to understand the desanctifying babes on Telemundo.) And TV viewers should be able to enjoy the channels they watch, without having to pay for channels they don’t care for.

The cable industry is chock full of wringing, clenching, snatching, clawing, chiseling, gluttonous swindlers. Always ready to hike the price while offering less value. Bloodthirsty cable company execs won’t be satisfied until we’re building temples in exchange for their programming and sacrificing babies in the name of 24 Hour News Networks, and MTV (which is less about music and more about teenage jackassery these days. Good god, I’m old). Consumers must stop them, for the children.

- Sarah Letnes

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Tags: humor, television

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