Cursed Tongue: The Wheezy City

Posted by CursedTongue on April 7, 2007

I write this article bleary eyed, lump in my throat. Am I upset about Imus using the derogatory slurs on cable TV? Am I mourning the loss of McCain’s position as a frontrunner in the Presidential race because he thought that Americans would believe the troop surge was working in Iraq? Am I overjoyed that after seven months of life Dannielynn knows who her father is? No, it’s because I’m hopped up on industrial strength decongestant, vitamin C and Benadryl and am still suffering from allergies.

Despite relatively low rainfall average this winter, the pollen count in Arizona this year is higher than Keith Richards. Browse any store, stroll any public thoroughfare in the Phoenix Valley and you can hear the rattled breathing, the wheezing, the dripping, the coughing, and the sneezing of allergy and asthma sufferers.

Once upon a time Phoenix was hailed as a place of respite and recovery for victims of allergies and asthma. The winded and the wheezy visited and even moved here seeking relief. Unfortunately, the dry, fresh air and idyllic climate attracted people by the thousands. People who thought it was a good idea to plant crab apple trees and pampas grass.

The curse of the good weather allows many species of flora to flourish. With enough water, it seems people could grow pretty much anything in sunny Arizona. And they do.

It’s true that native plants terrorize allergy sufferers, but the non-native plants add to the pollen pollution. Non-native plants extend the pollen season because they bloom earlier and later than native plants. Some non-native plants even bloom twice during the year. There are more things to be allergic to in Arizona for longer periods of time.

A few non-native plants have escaped the boundaries of the front yard and infested the desert. A couple of species of African grasses have invaded the natural landscape. These grasses are more flammable than native plants and even grow back after brush fires. (Despite tolerance to blistering temperatures, desert plants are not adapted to fire.) Brush fires contribute to the healthy, breathable air we all so enjoy.

To make matters worse, Phoenix and its suburbs exist in a valley, surrounded on all sides by mountains and hills. The Valley, or “Punch Bowl,” is basically a vessel for pollutants. The landscape combined with same idyllic climate that attracts people in droves is perfect for creating the Brown Punch Bowl effect, an atmospheric pea soup of manmade pollution, dust, and pollen.

The general lack of precipitation allows these airway irritants to build. Viewed from far ends of the valley, one can see the literal brown cloud hanging over Phoenix and suburbs. If every city were a child in the classroom of America, Phoenix would be the smelly kid.

Inhabitants of the Valley plant invasive non-native plants, we commute solo in SUVs polluting the air and stirring up dust. The climate and topography of the delicate ecosystem that is the Sonoran desert conspire to smother us in our own filth. Someone with a penchant for anthropomorphizing might say that the plucky desert is defending itself. We have to get out of here before it kills all of us. You go. It’s too…achoo…late for me. I’ll hold off the pollen producers with a 500,000-gallon jug of Weed Away.

- Sarah Letnes

Filed Under: Cursed Tongue, Guest Blog - Comments: Be the First to Comment

Tags: health, humor

top