Cursed Tongue: Winning by Default

Posted by CursedTongue on July 22, 2006

My parents didn’t exactly shove school down my throat. I know that I bore most of the responsibility for pushing myself to get good grades. In first grade, when there was a healthy teeth poster competition, they encouraged me to enter. Even though I’d worked hard on it, and I thought it was okay, I was truly shocked during the assembly when they presented me with first prize.

It turned out that I had been the only one from my age group to enter. The ribbon literally says “First Place.” Figuratively it says, “Participation.” That’s when I learned that people can be rewarded for showing up.

In third grade, Mrs. Buckley gave us weekly topics to do what she called “Monday Reports” in order to earn Extra Credit. They were 500 word reports on monuments and landmarks and a chance for us to get Extra Credit. Did you understand the part where I said they were for Extra Credit? Because my parents had trouble believing that the reports were for Extra Credit. I insisted that I didn’t have to do the Extra Credit reports. It was after all, only Extra Credit, and I was already getting good grades.

But no, every week they trotted me out to library to research the Taj Mahal or Mount Rushmore or the Eiffel Tower. And every weekend I was parked at the kitchen table where I would have to digest facts and write a report accompanied by a hand-drawn illustrative masterpiece, thank you very much.

So every Monday afternoon, I had to read my report aloud for everyone, making me the biggest nerd in the class. (Okay, I was the biggest nerd in the class anyway, being taller than every other third-grader at this point. In addition, I was gangly and uncoordinated, so I was already a target.) It wasn’t until the end of the year at a parent teacher conference that it somehow magically came up that the Monday reports were, indeed, Extra Credit. Imagine the relief my parents must have felt when they found out their daughter wasn’t a conniving, lying goof-off.

At the end of the year I got an award for having done the most “Monday Reports.” I believe it says, “Class Brown-Nose,” in gold letters. I’m sure Mom has it in a box somewhere, right next to my award for promoting dental hygiene. I’m not quite sure what I learned here; I’m still working this one out in therapy.

Through most of elementary school I beat myself up over science projects. I always took on a complex hypothesis and made the triptych poster board display as professional looking as possible. Despite my effort I received only participation ribbons year after year. (I was certain they were fixed.) Finally, I gave up.

I was on the verge of paper macheing a volcano when a family friend gave me the idea and methodology for testing pollutants in the air. I painted Vaseline onto grid paper and left it in a few choice spots in the neighborhood. Then I counted the specks in the grids, and found that most of the pollutants in the area came from trees. I didn’t even bother typing the wording for the poster board into my computer. I hand lettered it, in my awkward, left-handed scrawl.

My ridiculously easy science project won third place. I learned a valuable lesson from that particular school science fair: “Slacking off is fun and profitable.”

My next and biggest win by default occurred when I switched schools after my sophomore year in High School. I began attending the junior class committee meetings at my new school. The Junior Class Secretary elect was perpetually absent from these meetings. I was asked to take notes and I became the Secretary by default. That spring, I was kind of looking forward to running a campaign for Senior Class Secretary.

Okay, I was nauseous at the thought of speaking in front of the entire class of  ‘96 and losing my post to someone pretty and popular, but without my lively sense of humor and aptitude for showing up. As anxious as I was, I was frankly embarrassed when it turned out I would be running unopposed.

The good news was I didn’t have to waste time stenciling slogans on posters or talking about the issues, such as whether I would be using a Bic or a Pentel while taking notes, or whether our graduation robes would be white or red, or explaining to people that the food served in the cafeteria was out of our jurisdiction.

My guidance counselor told me that people must have voted for me, because I won. He was like Bill Lumbergh, the middle manager in the movie Office Space, his hand perpetually clutched near his chest in position for holding a coffee mug, whether he had one or not, except with less morals and more opportunity to crush souls.

I think that may have been the nicest thing that contemptuous authority figure ever said to a student, and still, I can’t help feeling it was backhanded somehow. Another undeserved prize, I’m sure.

- Sarah Letnes

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