Cursed Tongue: You Make Me Feel Like a Natural Soda

Posted by CursedTongue on May 5, 2006

Recently, Cadbury Schweppes, makers of 7up, perfected a marvel of genetic engineering. It unveiled 100% Natural 7up, soda so natural that it grows on trees, can and all. It must be true. It’s in a commercial.

They stripped out the unnatural preservatives, refining the formula of 7up to the ultimate in crispness and freshness (according to their press release); the “Uncola” has been reduced to five all-natural ingredients:

• Filtered carbonated water
• High fructose corn syrup
• Natural citric acid
• Natural flavors
• Natural potassium citrate

Sure, high fructose corn syrup is natural. I can just see Michael Landon (as Charles Ingalls) that smoldering distant look in his eyes as he shucks corn, while Karen Grassle (as Caroline Ingalls) slaves over her wood-burning stove to extract the cornstarch, forming a syrup. By the light of her kerosene lamp she works through the night stirring in a cup of alpha-amylase, a teaspoon of glucoamylase and just a pinch of glucose-isomerase. Then in the morning Melissa Gilbert (as Laura) takes the mixture for a spin in a centrifugal butter churn, thus converting the starch syrup into a cheap sweetener. It’s the televisable version of Little Meth Lab on the Prairie.

Natural citric acid, and natural flavors and natural potassium citrate all have the word natural in them. These ingredients have to be natural just like mail with the words “Do Not Discard” printed on the envelope has to be something I will read with rapt attention, file away and treasure forever.

Wikipedia describes potassium citrate as “a non-irritating diuretic.” Apparently, it is commonly used to treat gout. It even has side effects that include nausea, abdominal pain, vomiting and diarrhea. I think the Cadbury Schweppes marketing department was really asleep on the job for overlooking this product feature. I can just see the little yellow starburst on the 100% Natural 7up can with the words in dark green: “Now Cures Gout.”*

Okay, so it is a commonly used supplement and in this case “regulate[s] acidity in foods and beverages to help provide optimal flavor,” according to the FAQ on www.7up.com. But dietary supplements in soda–in any amount–just seems unnatural. Although, adding vitamins to soda is nothing new to the makers of 7up. There is already a line called 7up Plus that is fortified with calcium. I guess Flintstones chewable vitamins just aren’t yabba-dabba-delicious enough anymore.

A 600 ml bottle (about 20 U. S. fluid ounces) of 100% Natural 7up contains 240 calories. Ingesting the sixty-two grams of sugar in that bottle contributes 22% of the Recommended Daily Allowance of carbs, based on a 2,000 calorie diet. What is natural and what is healthy have about as much to do with each other as Rob Schneider has to do with being funny. Under the beneficent protection of the U. S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) the word “natural” has as much meaning as the words “premium” or “Vermont’s finest,” or “may cure cancer.” There’s no FDA definition of natural, it could be prominently displayed on a package of Oreos.

The Center for Science in the Public Interest (CSPI) is filing suit against Cadbury Schweppes for the “all natural” claim. They argue that high fructose corn syrup isn’t natural. It’s often credited with the obesity epidemic that plagues the U. S., because some nutritional experts believe it alters our metabolism so that the liver releases more fat into the bloodstream than it would with beet or cane sugar. If the CSPI has its way, 100% Natural 7up will become New 7up, and we all know what happened to New Coke. It could culminate in the production of 7up Classic.

And if there is any sign of the impeding apocalypse in America today it is the multitudinous plethora of carbonated beverage options.

I, myself, am really looking forward to Whole Grain 7up. Because apparently, sprinkling whole grains on any foodstuff makes it healthy, even if it previously had the nutritional content of a Krispy Kreme. Is vigilant obsessing over what is healthy and natural actually going to improve the health of Americans? Have we gone too far by taking out preservatives and putting in wheat germ? Who knows? Someday we might find out the reason we are living longer than ever is the copious amounts of Polysorbate 80 we have eaten.

*This article is meant to be humorous and does not offer medical advice. If you think you may have gout, put down the goose liver pate and call your doctor.

- Sarah Letnes

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