Cursed Tongue: Discount Oil

Posted by CursedTongue on April 4, 2006

Obviously, the employee discount for Iraqi oil didn’t pan out as we had hoped. I may be severely beaten with a tire iron for saying this, but I think the outrageous price increase for gas in the last couple of weeks might actually be good for the U.S.A. We can complain about Big Oil as if it were a Darth Vader/Adolf Hitler hybrid clone who has us all in a metaphorical telekinetic chokehold until we’re blue in the face, but that won’t make gas any cheaper.

Our civil liberties do not include the right to cheap gas. We don’t need fuel tax rebates, or sales tax relief on gas. We shouldn’t be relaxing ethanol standards to bring down the price of gas. It’s like throwing crutches at someone who needs physical therapy. We are in dire need of conservation of existing fuel sources and alternative fuel sources.

The higher gas prices will encourage people to carpool, to take public transportation and walk. May be I can even convince my husband that it’s really not important to menacingly cruise the aisles of the parking lot in the modern Holy Grail quest for the “best spot ever,” and pounce between two parallel white lines like a shark swooping in to chomp on an unsuspecting mackerel.

We, as Americans, are entrenched in our own voracious fuel consumption. Our public transportation is sparse, never runs on time and often the seats are covered with a mysterious sticky substance we hope was just soda. The suburb I live in is not unique in that it is not pedestrian friendly. Sure, I could walk to Target from my house. It’s a mere three-quarters of a mile away. But there aren’t sidewalks for most of the route, and I’m in serious doubt as to the existence of crosswalks as various critical junctures. I am not one of those people crazy enough to dash to the median, even if I did have a stroller to push into the street first. It’s time for us to dig ourselves out of our lazy lifestyles.

Certainly, there will be more public outcry for fuel efficiency and alternative fuel sources, so we can keep living like Americans and continue driving where we could have walked. I believe in my heart that it a compact, cheap, clean source of fuel is what’s standing in the way of me owning a flying car. Shouldn’t the U.S. government work to solve our fuel woes by encouraging scientist to come up with plans for Mr. Fusion, so we can all have our very own flying DeLoreans? The widespread availability of fuel-efficient flying cars would make us look pretty silly for having built all of those freeways in the first place.

I propose that it’s time we break up with Oil and make a commitment to alternative energy sources:

Oil, we’ve been together for a long time now. We know this is difficult for you, but we just can’t keep living this lie. It’s not you; it’s us. We feel we don’t have room to breathe, what with your copious release hydrocarbons and carbon monoxide. We’re in constant fear that you’ll run out on us. Or there will be another Exxon Valdez incident. No, please don’t make a scene. We are not cheating on you with Ethanol. No, it isn’t that tramp Solar Power. See, we have to stop doing this to each other. You give and give, and all we do is take. You deserve better than that. We’ll always fondly remember our past together, when we could fill up for $1.45 a gallon, but those days are gone. This relationship is over, and it’s time for all of us to move on with our lives. We can still be friends.

- Sarah Letnes

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