Cursed Tongue: The Gift of Get It Yourself

Posted by CursedTongue on November 28, 2007

I realize that this discussion maybe just a tad early for some Christmas shoppers. But next week is Black Friday. (So called because that’s the color a normal human soul turns while jostled between the pallet of gift-wrap and the end cap of obnoxious, musical dancing reindeers in the crush of shoppers at the Wal-Mart on the day after Thanksgiving.) The harried, beaten consumer may shamefully turn to the shiny gift card display in their time need.

Gift cards are not only the gift of “I-cant’-be-bothered-to-figure-out-what you-really-want-and-then-shop for you.” They are also the gift of, “I spent exactly fifty bucks on you.” It’s about as thoughtless and tacky as parking an eight-foot inflatable snow globe on the front lawn.

Obviously, I can’t speak for every consumer, but the last time I dumped the contents of my purse onto the bed to find my lip-gloss, I discovered no less than 5 new and partially used gift cards. While it is possible to get exactly the DVD or sweater I always wanted, I usually end up buying something I needed. That’s completely contrary to the frivolous and excessive consumption that Christmas represents.

Retailers have made it easy to spread the gift card Holiday Cheer. And why wouldn’t they? It’s a fairly safe bet that the uninventive gift giver has careless friends and relatives who will tuck the small plastic gift card somewhere and forget about it until they lose their lip-gloss. By then it probably will have expired. I would be surprised if there weren’t at least a combined $3 billion worth of unclaimed gift cards floating in the wallets and purses of North Americans.

The Gift Card Industry is even responsible for a burgeoning market of boxes, cases, bags and decorative socks with pockets to hold the cards. After spending $5 on a lighted, plush musical gift card holder, the dutiful shopper doesn’t have to spend five whole minutes wrapping them by hand in something that might actually biodegrade someday.

GiftCertificates.com and similar enterprises have added a layer of complication and tackiness to the gift card experience. They call their shopping solution a “Super Certificate.” And they aren’t kidding. It really is super. The slothful holiday shopper can purchase the handy dandy “Super Certificate,” and the oh-so-lucky victim can choose their own gift certificate from hundreds of retailers. It’s the gift that says, “I really have no idea who you are but we’re close enough that I feel the need to buy you a present.”

Before the new-fangled Interweb and on-line bill pay there used to be a gift similar to the “Super Certificate,” but better in every way. It was called a check. I used to have a check book somewhere. I know I could find it if I really wanted to give someone the gift of whatever. At least with a check the giver has to write it themselves.

There are some who might suggest that I let men off the hook when it comes to gift cards. Especially ones with wives who say, “I’ll like whatever you get me.” But I have even less sympathy for the gift card buying spouse, regardless of their gender. What the hypothetical wife is really saying is, “Why don’t you get off your lazy butt and figure out what I want for once?” She can hardly be blamed for being indirect, because she would expect to get coal in her stocking if she actually ever said that out loud.

Of course, there are exceptions to every Christmas shopping rule, and that is gift cards, or tickets for an experience or event that the giver knows the recipient will enjoy. Such as a trip to a spa, or membership at the Phoenix Art Museum. Buying gift cards makes sense in the case of an experience gift, because it’s pretty scroogy to ask a massage therapist to work on Christmas morning, even if he or she gets paid double time. And one can hardly expect the Phoenix Art Museum to be open that day, either.

The experience gift card would also be a good idea for the spoiled American child who has everything and nowhere to put it. Like the completely hypothetical Cousin Timmy. Cousin Timmy’s dad has a shed for the lawn mower, hedge trimmer, and various other manly accessories. Cousin Timmy has his own shed for toy overflow. A good gift for Timmy would be tickets to the zoo, or Sea World, or even to the movies.

The experience gift is one that the recipient can relish and then reminisce over and not have to dust every two weeks. And Cousin Timmy’s hypothetical mother doesn’t have to store it and rotate it with the hundreds of other toys and do whatever magical thing she does (which apparently doesn’t include regular beatings), to keep Cousin Timmy from turning into Snot-Nosed-Brat Timmy.

Holiday gift buying is far more satisfying with a little investigation into the recipient’s interests. Don’t get beaten by Black Friday. Stay home. Shop on the Internet. Just say no to the gift-buyer’s crack—gift cards. With a little effort gift-givers can elicit a genuine smile instead of a “Thanks for the socks,” face.

- Sarah Letnes

Filed Under: Cursed Tongue, Guest Blog - Comments: Be the First to Comment

Tags: christmas, humor, shopping

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