FBI Reveals Secret of Simpson/Lachey Breakup

Posted by Cynical Sarah on January 9, 2006

Video analysts from the FBI’s conspiracy division announced today they have discovered the real reason Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey broke up.

“For many people, the reason for the breakup was rediculously obvious,” stated one analyst, “But, the President wanted a clearer answer.”

The FBI had been on the case since hints of a breakup started rumbling through the media a year ago, but it was in recent months that new evidence came to light to help solve the “why” question.

“At first everyone thought that the ‘Dukes of Hazzard’ would be the key. That’s when the investigation came to us,” another analyst said.

There had been so many rumors of an affair between Simpson and Johnny Knox that the FBI figured there would be some evidence of it in the movie if it were true.

“We must have watched that movie hundreds of times, going frame by frame, looking for any hint of an affair or other reason why Simpson and Lachey broke up,” the second analyst said. “We were about to give up and go with the popular idea that Simpson was just too annyoing for Lachey when someone discovered the special features on the DVD.”

The video analysts didn’t need any of their fancy equipment to see who the real culprit was in the breakup. Right there, plain as day in the music video, Simpson flaunts her affair with Willie Nelson.

Sources from the Simpson camp say the affair was just a fling while she was doing the movie, but Willie Nelson (and possibly a little marijuana) changed her outlook on life. She’s no longer interested in a mediocre career and playing dumb for the camera. That’s why she decided to break away from Lachey and kick start her much smarter image with the “These Boots Were Made for Walking” video.

Filed Under: Satire - Comments: Be the First to Comment

Tags: humor, Satire

top