Global Warming Conspiracy to Get Women Naked

Posted by Cynical Sarah on July 8, 2006

After much research scientists have found that global warming is actually a conspiracy between several government leaders to make the planet warmer so women will want to wear less clothing.

The main members of the group are U.S. President George W. Bush, Vice President Richard Cheney, Former Canadian Prime Minister Joseph Jacques Jean Chretien, Mexico President Vicente Fox, and, much to everyone’s surprise, Finnish President Tarja Halonen.

Bush actually inherited the project idea from his father who had first initiated ties with Chretien and began seeking out other allies in his global warming project. The senior Bush, however, had other intentions for the project. He had wanted to make the Earth a little warmer so that the northern states and Canada would have less heat bills during the winter. It was his secret energy relief plan for the nation.

George W. saw a whole different opportunity for global warming though. Taking from his college days, he immediately equated heat with women wearing a lot less clothing.

“If it’s hot, the girls will flock to the beach and be wearing lots of skimpy bikinis and such all the time. At least that’s what Bush told me,” Fox told the media once his involvement was discovered. “He considered it a public service that would make the world a better place to look at.”

Mexico is already a warm nation, so Fox didn’t really think he had much to lose in the deal. Plus the hot weather and lots of bikini clad girls would just help the country’s tourist industry tremendously.

The scientists who were looking into the global warming trend and discovered the plot were very surprised to find the female Finnish president in on the conspiracy. It turns out Halonen was just as surprised as they were to learn the true intent of the conspiracy.

She had heard the George H.W. version of the plan that was meant to just warm up the north and hopefully curb heating bills for people.

“I just wanted to help my people have a more comfortable winter,” Halonen said. “Bush completely deceived me into being a part of the plan. He told me his dad had this great plan to help people and wanted to get our nation’s help with it. He never once mentioned the bikini girls part of his plot to me.”
Halonen said part of the deal for her country was scholarships for young Finnish girls to go to college in the United States.

“I thought it was incredibly generous for Bush to set up a scholarship program like that just in exchange for us increasing our industrial emission and polluting the air. It really gave our women a great chance at a solid education,” Halonen said. “Now I see his true intention.”

In fact, Bush had approached several Scandinavian countries with his offer, but didn’t get any takers. Sweden and Denmark wouldn’t even consider increasing pollution and were happy with their cold winters. Norway had taken the idea into consideration, but wanted to include men in the scholarship program, which was a deal-breaker for Bush.

According to a Bush aide, he had wanted to bring in more young Scandinavian beauties to make global warming even more beneficial for Americans. Finland was the only taker in the deal.

The conspiracy also explains Bush’s campaign strategy during his first election.

“Everyone thought it was just sheer lunacy that the man thought it was a viable option to just drill into the Alaska wildlands to get more oil and make the nation less dependent on the Middle East for supplies,” said Dr. Julian Sueng, lead scientist on the global warming study. “Now it makes sense. And even though that part of the plan didn’t pan out, it kind of worked out better for him in the long run with our war in Iraq creating even more pollution and now he’s got much more control of oil anyway.”

Unfortunately, the damage is already done to the planet. The scientists say there’s no going back at this point. The best they can hope for is that with the discovery of the plot, nations will finally be more serious about the effects of pollution on global warming.

“Maybe now they’ll start working on things like air pollution and vehicle emissions and we can at least stop the warming trend even if we can’t reverse it,” Sueng said.

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