Cursed Tongue: Global Warming: Sweating it Out

Posted by CursedTongue on August 27, 2006

As a child, I always assumed that the Jetsons lived in a house that floated in midair because the people of the future had laid waste to the earth with pollutants and therefore everyone was forced to live above the smog line. Now I know that they were living in hovering houses because the polar ice caps liquefied like ice in a Mojito under the Phoenix sun. To people who insist that Global Warming is a big a hoax as evolution, I say, “You’ve been sitting out in the sun during this record-breaking heat wave, haven’t you?”

Far be it from me to say that I know for certain that people have caused Global Warming and are therefore in any way culpable for inexhaustibly spewing carbon dioxide and hydrocarbons and not producing energy alternative vehicles, nor developing alternative sources of energy. But the increase in the temperature of the climate is undeniable.

For example, this summer I’m experiencing the disconcerting phenomena of hot and hot running water in my house. I’ve been taking showers with the shower knob turned to “cold,” but have still been taking warm showers for the last couple of weeks. (No, I’m not living in the section of Chandler, Ariz., that is getting water from a thermal spring.)

Granted, I did choose to live the in desert, so I won’t complain about the tyrannical, searing heat pressing into my neck, turning my shoulders cherry red, and making me fat from excessive Frappuccino consumption ad nauseam, but it’s gotten progressively hotter here, too.

Prescott, Ariz., historically gets an average of 25 inches of snowfall a year. Last year, they got only three inches. One freak year doesn’t mean anything, but their snowfall has been scanty there for the last seven years. Water from snowpack does not evaporate as readily as precipitation in the form of rain; therefore, it is far more valuable to the environment. So it does matter that it’s snowing less, and not just to the snowplow drivers and the ski industry.

I’m waiting for the Home Owners Association to get on my sweat-soaked back about the succulents that died in my front yard while we were on vacation. The agaves in our yard are surrounded by baby agaves, so they were getting too much water, and if their untimely demise is any indication, the other plants were not getting enough. (They are all on the same line in our drip irrigation system, installed and planted by a professional so I wouldn’t kill our lawn, one desert plant at a time.) Just try transplanting any plant and getting it to live through five days of the temperature rising to at least 115 degrees.

Of course, you can say that the current heat wave has absolutely nothing to do with Global Warming. But you can also say that telling a cop, “The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world,” doesn’t make Mel Gibson a bigot. It might be true, but as that wise oracle the Magic 8 Ball says, “Outlook not so good.”

I see a future with insects the size of rodeo bulls, spiders big enough to carry off babies, and penguins and polar bears living together, drinking lukewarm Cokes. We’ll be using more energy to power our air conditioners and ice cube makers. We won’t have to heat water for laundry or tea in the summer. But we’ll have fewer clothes to wash anyhow.

I see an appalling future, where every day is casual Friday, because inhabitants of cube farms would pass out from heatstroke otherwise. I see less snow shoveling, and therefore less snow shoveling induced grabbers. I see interior decorators weeping into their chenille pillows at the thought of having to include ceiling fans in all of the rooms they’re designing. We can pretty much say goodbye to Venice, New Orleans, and Florida. And if you ever wondered what long periods of intense heat and humidity do to the human brain, just visit Southern California, while it’s still there.

The silver lining on this sooty toxic cloud is the new findings that heat may destroy some types of cancer. (How didn’t the medical community figure that one out sooner?) We will be able to take tropical vacations in our back yards. The sun block industry will soar. And everyone will be clamoring for that panacea designed for cooling off in high temperatures: Fanta. I say, start investing in businesses that will be positively affected by the heat now.

In conclusion, I asked the Magic 8 Ball, “Are we doomed?” It replied, “Yes – definitely.”

- Sarah Letnes

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