Presidential Mix-Up Puts Hummus on Banned List

Posted by Cynical Sarah on March 16, 2007

American citizens will have to go without their tasty chickpea dip for a while as President George Bush has put hummus on the terrorist watch list in the nation.

The ban is clearly a misunderstanding on the president’s part. Hummus and Hamas are so similar that he mistook them to be one and the same during a conversation.

“We were just chatting about different cultures and their foods on a flight between destinations in Latin America during his recent tour,” said one of his aides. “I mentioned hummus being a great Arab concoction, and he took it all out of context and got upset about it, calling me a terrorist lover.”

The aide managed to explain well enough to still have a job, but the damage was already done.

Rather than admit his mistake and move one, Bush decided to pretend he knew all along and was just upset that hummus was something he had missed as a potential indicator for people to look for to spot terrorists in the country.

It was just a matter of a few phone calls and hummus was added to the terrorist watch list, and Bush was officially banning its sales in the United States.

“If these terrorists are going to want their special food, they’re going to have to make it themselves,” Bush was overheard saying. “Then we’ll know who the really hardcore Arabs are and the safe ones who have been properly Americanized with McDonald’s food.”

To further aid in the hunt for terrorists, the ingredients for hummus are also being distributed to grocery stores across the nation so clerks and managers can be on the watch for potential terrorists.

“It’s kind of like what happened when meth started becoming such a huge problem,” said DEA Agent Hugh Manguy. “We drafted up a list of supplied needed to manufacture the drug and sent it out to stores in high-risk areas so they could be on the lookout for suspicious purchases.”

Manguy said he doesn’t think the hunt for terrorists needed to be taken to that sort of level, especially since a lot of people like hummus, not just terrorists.

“But I’m not going to be the one to complain,” he said. “Hopefully commonsense will eventually prevail.”

In the meantime, citizens are warned to stay away from chickpeas and other major ingredients for the dip, or at least refrain from buying large quantities at a time and raising suspicion of harboring large terrorist cells in their homes.

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