Saddam’s Trial Takes Surprising Turn

Posted by Cynical Sarah on March 8, 2006

In the circus known as Saddam Hussein’s trial, judges have decided to make things a little more interesting and get the whole ordeal sorted out much sooner than expected. If Saddam agrees that he’s guilty of the charges against him, he could have the chance to win his freedom.

This would change the trial into a game show format to determine what kind of punishment Saddam will receive. The format will be like “Deal or No Deal,” and give him a chance at complete freedom.

“We’re just tired of all the ranting and raving at the trial and all the media attention,” said Judge Pauladi Al Abdula. “We’d rather take our chances with this and see an end to all this craziness sooner.”

Just like the game show, Saddam will get to choose one briefcase out of 26 available. Each briefcase will hold a sentencing choice with one being freedom as long as he leaves Iraq. Odds are that Saddam wouldn’t actually choose that case and would then be playing to make the best deal possible.

“I think it gives him a fair shot at getting a deal we can all be happy with,” said Abdula.

Besides the freedom choice, 10 of the cases will hold various death sentences ranging from beheading to death by a firing squad. The remaining 15 cases will have prison sentences starting at a year and increasing to a life sentence.

Saddam will get to choose the case he wants as his own. Then he will be able to systematically open other cases to see what he didn’t get.

“If you’ve ever seen the game show, you know how it works. He’ll get to open some cases, and then he’ll be offered a deal from us based on what he could possibly still have in his own case,” Abdula said.

The kind of deal he may be offered will depend on what could possibly be in the case he chose. For instance, in the game show if all the big money amounts have been revealed, the deal the person is offered will be a low amount, maybe just a bit higher than the largest amount left that the contestant could have in their case.

“In our version, an example might be that if the freedom choice is revealed we may offer him a quick death rather than a slow one. Or if a lot of the death sentences are already revealed, we can start offering him different prison sentence lengths,” Abdula said.

The judges are working under the assumption that Saddam would never be lucky enough to actually choose the case with total freedom inside.

“Even if that were to happen, that freedom comes with the stipulation that he must leave Iraq and never return,” Abdula said.

This slim chance still has American officials worried.

“I didn’t get into this just to have Saddam set free again with no punishment,” said President George W. Bush. “I can’t be labelled a failure like that.”

President Bush is a betting man himself and no stranger to the affects of luck in these kinds of situations.

“I’ve played some poker in my time and all those elections are pretty much gambles. How do you think I became President in the first place? It was luck, pure and simple,” Bush said. “And I’d be willing to wager all my oil futures that Saddam is a lucky man too and has a good chance of getting off easy in all this.”

Bush may have a point if you look at Saddam’s history. It was lucky for him that the older President George Bush didn’t have the follow through to take him out years ago during the Gulf War. It was also fortunate he wasn’t in his secret bunker when it was bombed by the B-1s. That initial report that he was probably killed during the bombing also gave him a little breathing room find himself a good hiding place before the hunt was on hot and heavy again.

“He was also sure lucky our troops found him and not some other people,” Bush said. “They’d have killed him on the spot. We’re at least giving him a shot at justice. We’re not barbarians.”

Bush is torn between his decision to let the Iraqi judicial system handle Saddam’s trial and wanting to step in to stop this new development.

“We want them to be as independent as possible, and it’s important for their own people to be able to handle these problems,” Bush said. “But to think Saddam as even a slim chance of total freedom again gives me the heebee-geebees.”

Saddam on the other hand is intrigued by this new development.

“This trial has been a sham from the beginning,” he said. “I fully expect to be found guilty anyway. This was no fair, unbiased trial. They’re just tired of dealing with me.”

In that way, Saddam said his courtroom rants have served their purpose. The judges would rather play this little game than have to deal with him any longer.

“Plus it makes them a little safer from retaliation from the trial. This way they can point to the game and say ‘We gave him a chance. This sentence was his choice too, not just ours,’” Saddam said.

Saddam isn’t sure he’s willing to admit his guilt to gain that chance at freedom. He said it would actually increase his chances at freedom again, but it would also give those American’s the satisfaction of feeling like they were right in invading his country.

The judges have thought of that possibility and may still use this option to help decide Saddam’s sentence.

“We’ll just take the freedom option off the board and he’ll get to play for the remaining sentencing option,” Abdula said. “To satisfy the Americans, we’ll even add Vice President Dick Cheney to our firing squad if that’s how it ends up.”

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