Cursed Tongue: Saint Bleedingheart of Tinseltown

Posted by CursedTongue on September 9, 2006

Madonna, not content to leave only two children in the care of a nanny, recently decided to adopt. She didn’t adopt one of the 135,000 eligible orphans in the good old U. S. of A. Instead she flew to Africa for the latest in Hollywood fashion accessories – an exported baby that proves her commitment to diversity and world peace.

Outsourcing orphans is an alarming trend for not only the glitterati, but for those ordinary U. S. citizens who follow celebrities like ugg boots to the slaughter.

Last January Meg Ryan adopted a girl baby from China. The Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are well on their way to collecting the whole set of orphans from beleaguered Third World countries. Apparently having a U.S. baby is so repulsive to celebrities, that even though they chose to make one of their own, Jolie-Pitts had their baby in [insert heretofore-unknown Third World African Nation here.] Like Governor Schwarzenegger, their daughter Shiloh can never be President. Not that she had much of a chance what with having been born a girl.

Ahead of her time was Mia Farrow, who began adopting children from impoverished countries back in the 1970’s. During her career as a serial adopter she welcomed 10 children into her family. Her longtime boyfriend Woody Allen was so jazzed about adoption that despite a 35-year age difference, he had an affair with and subsequently married one of Farrow’s adoptees. Except for the pseudo-incest and borderline pedophilia it’s hard to believe that Hollywood didn’t jump on the orphan outsourcing wagon sooner.

Adoption offers a host of advantages over procreation for potential parents. Adoptive parents deal with legal discourse instead of intercourse, bureaucracy instead of pregnancy, and jet lag instead of labor pains. And for celebrity moms on the go, dodging paparazzi attracting post-pregnancy pounds is an advantage that cannot be overlooked.

For stars like Madonna, the many benefits of adoption are multiplied by orphan outsourcing. Taking in a Third World orphan generates publicity like no crucifixion reenactment or crotch grab ever could, and with the added benefit of not being condemned by the Pope. And all for little more hassle than one would encounter at an animal shelter. Especially if one has $3 million and a lifetime supply of mystical (presumably potable) Kabbalah water to donate.

U. S. orphans, not fashionable enough for wannabe parents, and are often bounced from foster home to foster home. Where I am sure they are exposed to the decent values of a Mormon family now and then, but are probably in the care of people who are more interested in collecting government checks than doing good works. Or at least that’s what I understand from watching Cops.

When these ill-prepared children reach 18, they are unceremoniously dumped out of the system, left to fend for themselves without so much as a, “Later, dude.” We can’t all have trust funds waiting for us, but even people like me get a set of mismatched dishes, a 15-inch TV, and the impression of a boot print on their ass.

Some celebrities do adopt homegrown orphans. Although, adopting a white baby boy from the U. S. might simply appear as though they used their celebrity status and vulgar wealth to bypass our complex and costly adoption system. (As opposed to using their celebrity status and vulgar wealth to bypass someone else’s complex and costly adoption system.) Sharon Stone adopted her third male Caucasian baby this past June.

The U.S. has long suffered a shortage of adoptable Caucasian male newborns, and it’s no wonder that publicity for Stone’s three little blessings has been scarce. It’s apparent that adopting white, potential Presidential candidates, hot out of a teenaged oven, doesn’t boost the popularity or career opportunities of an actress. The last big movie Stone did was Basic Instinct 2, which apparently only 1 in 526 Americans were dumb enough to fork over $9 to see.

Taking care of the mess in our own backyard before wielding charitable aid and shovels in another country has never been the American way. It is difficult to argue against helping orphans of Third World countries, even if uprooting children who have already lost their parents from their cultures and people seems brutal. But I have to wonder if celebrities with more money than knowledge of the needs of developing nations might be doing more harm than good.

Even if Hollywood doesn’t save the world one orphan at a time, at least this adoption boom has great potential for spawning a wave of lurid tell-all books in the grand tradition of Mommy Dearest. Meanwhile we can watch slack-jawed as Hollywood divas slug it out for the coveted title, Saint Bleedingheart of Tinseltown.

- Sarah Letnes

Filed Under: Cursed Tongue, Guest Blog - Comments: Be the First to Comment

Tags: adoption, celebrities, humor

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