Top Five Reasons Katie Holmes Needs Rescuing

Posted by Cynical Sarah on August 5, 2006

5. She’s never been seen with her baby.

Have you noticed that every time she’s been seen in public, either with or without Tom Cruise, she’s never seen with her new baby? I’m certain Suri is actually being held hostage at home to keep Katie from going back to work so Tom can fulfill his perfect wife and mother fantasies.

4. She’s got a permanently drugged and dazed smile.

Yes, it used to be many a young girl’s fantasy to be the future Mrs. Cruise, but that permanent smile and glassy eyed look Katie is giving off is more than just a new mom, I’m so in love, dream-bride-to-be look. She’s been drugged, plain and simple.

3. Her caffeine addiction.

She’s either trying to work her way into endorsement money from Starbucks or the drugs aren’t working all the time and she has to escape the crazy control of Tom as often as possible. Of course, she has to keep going back while he holds their daughter prisoner.

2. Stockholm syndrome.

All the signs are there. She’s been kidnapped, held hostage, and separated from her family and friends, and now she’s fallen for the person who did it.

1. The sinking Cruise ship.

Tom is managing to alienate a lot of industry people with his Scientology-based views of psychology, medicine, and more. The film industry is very forgiving of a man who can bring in hundreds of millions of dollars per film, but once that popularity tanks, so will his career, and it’s already heading in that direction. All the couch hopping and skewed views are turning people off, and if Katie isn’t cut loose, her career and talent will forever be stifled and tainted

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