U.S. Finds Acceptable Border Compromise

Posted by Cynical Sarah on May 6, 2006

Senator Edward Kennedy may turn out to be America’s latest hero as the newest immigration and border plan makes its way through Congress. So far, all indicators show that his new idea for stemming the flood of illegal immigrants may be acceptable enough to pass through both the House and Senate.

This idea, which came to him during his “near death experience” when his plane was hit by lightning May 14, takes a much more technology based approach to guarding the U.S. borders.

“When that lightning hit my plane, I was scared to death. It seems our family is prone to bad things happening to them, and I knew this could be my moment to die,” Kennedy said. “But then something inside me said this wasn’t it. Instead, this was a sign of what I needed to do to help my country.”

It was the lightning that sparked the idea for Kennedy.

“We have a lot of good technology at our disposal. I don’t know why we’re wasting our time with the idea of a physical barrier at the border like a fence or wall,” he said. “Why can’t we harness some of the technology we have and put it to good use?”

His idea is to implant illegal immigrants with microchips, similar to those used in pet identification, before sending them back to their own countries. The chips would include the illegal alien’s information as well as a shocking mechanism.

At the border, there would be an “invisible fence” set up similar to that used by pet owners who use shock collars and invisible fence to keep their dog or cat in the yard. That invisible fence would also have sensors that read the microchip. That way, illegal aliens will get a shock if they try to cross the border, and if they manage to make it across anyway, the sensors will read the microchip and alert authorities about who is trying to cross again.

“It will work as a deterrent for repeat offenders and give us information to help find them if they cross again,” Kennedy said. “I’m sure we’ll want to set up a punishment system for repeat offenders who keep trying to cross too. That way it doesn’t just become a game of seeing how well you can tolerate the pain of the shock to make it over again.”

Of course, this system only works to deter those illegal aliens already in the U.S. and in custody. They will be microchipped and sent back to their countries, but it doesn’t prevent new illegal aliens from trying to get into the U.S.

“The invisible fence idea is only one part of the equation. We need to set up a system that makes it easier to identify and capture illegal aliens too,” said Senator John McCain, a Republican supporter of the new plan. “My state, Arizona, is one that has a problem with illegal aliens crossing into it. I think it may be up to the state’s to come up with a system to catch the illegals. They catch ‘em, and the federal government will tag them and send them back to where they came from.”

There are several ideas in the works on how to tighten the net to catch illegal aliens. With the use of an invisible fence at the border, the resources that were going to be used on National Guard troops and putting up physical barriers can be diverted to the Immigration and Naturalization Services division that handles tracking down illegal aliens.

“Most of the ideas at the moment revolve around punishing employers who hire these illegal workers. There will be stricter fines and punishments for hiring them, as well as extra fines if they’re also being paid below minimum wage for their work,” Kennedy said. “We need to fix the whole vicious circle of poverty and low wages and everything that keeps illegal aliens coming in and keeps people hiring them.”

Filed Under: Satire - Comments: Be the First to Comment

Tags: humor, politics, Satire

top